Courtesy of PAAO (http://www.paawareness.com)
My Story : I am an adult survivor of childhood parental alienation. My parents
were not divorced, but together about 45 years until my mother died almost ten years ago.
Their marriage for my whole life was not good. My mother yelled shrilly at my father nearly
every day, and cut him down verbally. My father would explode or belittle her. Sometimes people
would yell and be physical with each other. Sometimes my father would be away for weeks. It was
like living in an emotional war-zone. I realize now that both parents loved me as a child and did
the best they could, and that parenting is tough and comes with no manual.
I also realize that my parents overcame a lot in their lives, and that I'd be hard-pressed to be as
good or a better parent as they were to me. Still, it has, and still is, taken and taking years for me
to sort this out. I realized 20 years ago or more that my parents should have divorced. I was angry
with my father for the things my mother told me that he did to her and how he neglected us. When I
was twelve or so I remember him saying to my mother that she was 'turning' me 'against' him. At the
time I couldn't even comprehend what he was saying.
I didn't think there was anything to even be against. I thought and believed that my father was absolutely wrong,
my mother was absolutely right, and that we shared victim-hood: she surviving emotional, verbal and physical abuse,
and neglect, and me just being neglected by him emotionally. My father was loyal and provided well for me, and put a
lot of pressure on me. I'm trying hard now to realize that this is how he could show me love. He even said he loved me,
and after picking on me, he would hug me.
He enjoys reconciling. It was hard to accept then and I didn't. And I'm trying
to be powerful enough to accept his love now. I am lucky he is still alive to experience this. By the time I graduated
high school I became very angry with my mother for sharing so many of her personal problems with me regarding my father.
I didn't need to hear those things as a youngster. It was a lot to handle.
She said that she was in fear of my father and wanted to move far away, to Alaska. I had nightmares about living in an
igloo! In retrospect, she should have shared her feelings and thoughts with adults, like friends, relatives, a
therapist. She did see a therapist for a while, and felt 'cured' and grateful to him. She sent me to see him, too.
That's weird. She and he should have found a different therapist. Even though she was supposed to be cured, she'd
sometimes see him after I saw him. It made me feel weird and insecure in the waiting room. Then I became mad at my
father for not trying to be closer to me. If he saw that my mother was turning me against him, why didn't he spend
more time with me? Why not be interested in my life, my friends, what I'm learning... Why not offer listening or advice,
rather than pressure? For many years, I had no plans to marry and even fewer to have children.
I was addicted to drugs and sex, and used women like booze. I'm sober after 15 years of daily use. Now I'm in my
forties, and am trying to make a relationship work. It is a lot for us. I know I'm not easy and I have trust issues,
and I realize that I'd be far from a 'perfect parent.' I'm also trying out a new field, something creative. I had some
bad experiences at jobs in the past, feeling like a victim, and then being victimized. I'm trying to get beyond right
and wrong. That victims are always right. I'm trying to get to relating to people in a sustained way that emphasizes
getting along and cooperating fairly, and getting beyond winning and losing. I'm trying to be powerful and realize that
love is about work and communication and listening and investing and will. I'm trying to be strong enough to love and be
loved by my father without feeling insulted or violated or dis-empowered.
